How Kaworu Stole Christmas
by Ishiro Hazuki
Summary: A Parody of Dr. Seuss' story "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"


**How Kaworu Stole Christmas**   
By Ishiro Hazuki

Every person in Tokyo 3 liked Christmas a lot.   
But this was different for Kaworu, because Kaworu did not!   
Kaworu hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!   
Now please don't ask why.   
No one quite knows the reason.   
Perhaps it was because of the pale skin he wore.   
Or perhaps it was because of his being no more.   
But I think that the most likely reason of all, was that he couldn't end humanity, and that made his skin crawl.   
But whatever his reason, his skin or his death, he stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the rest.   
Staring down from his cave with an emotionless face, seeing Shinji and Asuka below in that place.   
For he knew that he did not have a chance,   
as Shinji and Asuka began to dance.   
"And all the lellum culture are hanging their stockings" he said with a sneer   
"Tomorrow is Christmas, it's practically here"   
Then he sat, with his fingers nervously drumming   
"I must find a way to keep Christmas from coming!"   
For tomorrow he knew...   
...all of the girls and boys   
would wake up bright and early and rush for their presents   
And then, oh the happiness. The happiness! HAPPINESS HAPPINESS   
HAPPINESS HAPPINESS HAPPINESS. That's the one thing he hated. Because he could go down there   
without being degraded.   
And then those young and old   
would sit down to a feast   
And they'd feast and they'd feast!   
And they'd FEAST FEAST FEAST!   
They would start on the pudding, and then the roast beef   
Which made Kaworu want to heave, at the least.   
And then they'd do something that he liked least of all   
Every lellum down on that planet, the tall and the small,   
Would stand close together, with guitar sounds ringing   
They'd stand hand in hand, and the lellum would commence singing   
They'd sing and they'd sing   
a song about a cruel angel   
while Kaworu preferred   
Ode to Joy more then any.   
And the more Kaworu thought about the lellum's-christmas-sing   
The more Kaworu thought "I must end this whole thing!"   
"For 14 years, since second impact i might add, I've put up with this same thing, and it's been making me mad!   
I must end Christmas somehow but, but how could I come about doing this?" Kaworu said in doubt.   
Then he got a brilliant idea   
An awful idea!   
Kaworu got a brilliantly awful idea   
"I know just what to do" Kaworu laughed in his throat   
And he made a quick Santa Claus hat and a coat.   
And he chuckled and clucked "What a brilliant trick!"   
"With this coat and this hat, I'll look like an albino-saint nick!"   
"All I need is a reindeer" Kaworu looked around   
But since reindeer were scarce   
There were none to be found   
Did that stop the young boy...?   
No, Kaworu simply said   
"If I can't find reindeer, I'll use PenPen instead!"   
He then loaded some bags   
And some old empty sacks   
On an invisible shield   
Which hovered over his back   
Then Kaworu floated forward,   
and Kaworu headed down   
To the lellum culture,   
and the simple lellum town.   
All the windows were dark,   
and fluffy snow filled the air   
changing the color   
of his light gray hair   
When he came to the first house   
in the square   
"This is stop number one" seeing Misato's apartment amidst   
And he climbed to the roof,   
empty bags in his fists,   
Then he slid down the chimney   
a very tight pinch   
But if Santa could do it, he could too   
He walked from the chimney's opening fast   
and noticed their stockings, hanging before him   
"These stockings" he grinned "Would be the first thing to go"   
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,   
Around the whole room, and he took every present!   
Pocky! And Go Boards! Roller skates! and more!   
And he stuffed them in bags. Then Kaworu, very nimbly,   
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!   
Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the lellum's feast!   
He took the pudding! He took the roast beef!   
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.   
Why, Kaworu even took their last can of friend hash!   
Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.   
"And NOW!" grinned Kaworu, "I will stuff up the tree!"   
And Kaworu grabbed the tree, and he started to shove   
When he heard a small sound coming from the apartment's hall.   
He turned around fast, and he saw a girl!   
Little Asuka Langley Sohryu, who wrapped her fist up in a ball..   
Kaworu had been caught by this 14 year old girl   
Who'd got out of bed for a bowl of hot ramen   
She stared at Kaworu and said, "Kaworu, why,   
Why are you taking our Christmas tree? WHY?"   
But, you know, that Kaworu was so smart and so slick   
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!   
"Why, my dumb lellum," the fake Santa Claus lied,   
"There's a light on this tree that won't light on one side.   
"So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear.   
"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."   
And his fib fooled no one. Asuka punched him in the head   
She cooked her bowl of ramen, and headed to bed   
And when Miss Sohryu went to bed with her bowl,   
HE went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up the hole!   
Then the last thing he took   
Was the log for their fire.   
Then he went up the chimney himself, that mean red-eyed liar.   
On their walls he left nothing but hooks, and some wire.   
And the one speck of food   
That he left in the house   
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.   
Then   
He did the same thing   
To the other lellum houses   
Leaving crumbs   
Much too small   
For the other small mouses!   
It was quarter past dawn...   
All the lellum, still a-bed   
still asleep, dreaming their dreams   
When he packed up his sled,   
Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!   
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!   
Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mount Lilith,   
He rode to the tiptop to dump it!   
"Heh!" he said, under his breath.   
"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!   
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!   
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two   
"Then all the humans down on their earth will all cry BOO-HOO!"   
"That's a noise," grinned Kaworu,   
"That I simply must hear!"   
So he paused. And Kaworu put a hand to his ear.   
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.   
It started in low. Then it started to grow...   
But the sound wasn't sad!   
Why, this sound sounded merry!   
It couldn't be so!   
But it WAS merry! VERY!   
He stared down towards the town!   
Kaworu popped his eyes!   
Then he shook!   
What he saw was a shocking surprise!   
Every person in the world, the tall and the small,   
Was singing their song of a cruel angel! Without any presents at all!   
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!   
IT CAME!   
Somehow or other, it came just the same!   
And Kaworu, with his pale feet ice-cold in the snow,   
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?   
It came without ribbons! It came without tags!   
It came without packages, boxes or bags!"   
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.   
Then Kaworu thought of something he hadn't before!   
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.   
Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"   
And what happened then...?   
Well...in their culture they say   
That Kaworu's wish for man's death   
Shrunk to nothing that day!   
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,   
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light   
And he brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!   
And he...   
...HE HIMSELF...!   
Kaworu carved the roast beef!


End file.
